Friday, January 26, 2018

It doesnt matter anymore

I thought it would be painful, letting you go.

I thought I would suffer, that my heart would be anguished with the loss of you. Or worse, maybe it would stop beating altogether.

Maybe without you, I would simply cease to exist.

I thought I would become adrift, for you had been the anchor I had formed my identity upon, the compass I had relied on for my direction. I thought without you I would become lost, disoriented.

I had expected to taste salty tears as they fell upon lips that once spoke so fondly of you; that my head would lay on my pillow damp with tears for as many nights as the moon continued to kiss the stars.

But one day, I just knew.

I hadn’t expected such a feeling of relief as I cut the ropes that once shackled me to you. One instant of tremendous clarity. One instant, where I finally knew.

I no longer needed you.

I no longer needed your opinion of me, your affirmation, your approval.

I no longer needed your judgments, your criticisms, your condemnations.

I no longer needed your expectations I could never meet; your hoops too high to jump through, your goal posts that shifted with every changing breeze.

I no longer needed your blame, your excuses, your justifications.

I no longer needed your pseudo love, fraught with conditions and attached with strings.

I thought I needed you. I didn’t.

I thought it would be hard to let you go. It wasn’t.

I thought I would miss you. I don’t.

For in one instant my heart was awakened to the truth of who I am.

I am more than the lies you made believe about myself. I am more than the look of failure in your eyes when I fell short of your demands. I am more than how worthless you made me feel. I am more than the ways you tried to break me.

I am a warrior, sculpted by the hands of creation, fashioned into being by the very hands that created the oceans and the stars and the mountains and air.

I am strong, I am brave, I am wise. I am gentle of spirit with the heart of a lioness.

I am creative, passionate, sensitive, and kind. I am of open heart and open mind. I am powerful, generous, thoughtful, daring, empathetic, raw, complex, courageous, understanding, forgiving.

I am everything you are not.

I will no longer carry the shame you made me suffer under the weight of.

That shame belongs to you.

And I will no longer carry my hate for you.

For that will only ever bind me to your darkness and give you permission to destroy my light. It will allow you to stay within me, to destroy my peace, to blacken my heart with the malice that lives within you.

It will tie me to your soul-destroying bitterness, your ugliness.

It will anchor me once more to you, who tried to drown me.

Instead, I will choose to go into the world and love more fiercely, show more compassion, be more generous, offer more kindness.

I will choose to forgive. For me, not for you.

I will choose to sow what I wish to see reaped for my children’s future.

I will choose to dis-empower hate.

I will choose freedom.

I will choose love.

I will stand firm upon the unshakeable truth of who I am.

And I will soar to heights you will only ever dream of.

For I have let you go.

No longer am I held down by all I allowed you to be in my life.

I no longer need you.

I am free.


Written by Kathy Parker
( with permission)

Sunday, January 14, 2018

2018

Bismillah.

Its 2018. Another year to begin with. Phewww!!!

Happy New Year!!  

Sebelum jejak tahun baru. Macam macam fikir pasal new year resolution kan.

Now is the second week already. Ok. Boleh lempang diri sendiri.
Satu pun xbuat lagi. Berangan lebih.

Heyyy!! But it is still not too late kan.

Yang penting kita nakkan kehidupan yang lebih baik berbanding sebelum ni. Doa banyak banyak k.

Keep on being strong! Chin Up!! 
Haaa!!! Nampak tak betapa kena bagi semangat kat diri sendiri.

Certain things masih menganggu fikiran aku. 
Duk datang jugak menerawang. Masuk dalam hati fikiran jiwa. Kadang kadang rasa macam useless nya diri ni kalah dengan permainan jiwa perasaan dan nafsu. Tapi itulah, fitrah sebagai seorang manusia. Tak boleh nak lari. Boleh tepis sikit sikit,slow slow tapi masih jugak datang.

Aku mohon sgt Allah kuatkan aku untuk aku terus istiqamah untuk jadi lebih baik. Muslimah yang lebih baik. Dan aku mmg nak jadi lebih baik. Yelah, hidup kita ni tak lama kan. Belum tentu jodoh kita dengan manusia ke dengan maut dulu.

So this new year aku start dengan buying few books tulisan Prof Hamka. Quite interesting. Melihat dunia from a different point of view. And I also bought a book by Leang Leav, Sea of Strangers. Best! You guys should buy.

Tahun ni, aku harap Allah murahkan rezeki aku dan permudahkan perjalanan hidup aku. Semoga hati aku lebih lapang dan tenang dalam menghadapi hari hari yang semakin tua ni.

Kita tak boleh putus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Ingat tu!

Till then. Assalamualaikum.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Antara Dua

Assalamualaikum

Phewwww!!!

It is near the end of 2017. Cepatnya masa berlalu nak masuk tahun baru dah.

Well baca tajuk antara dua. Antara dua apa. Dua benua kot. Hihi.
Xdelah.

Ada perkara yg bermain kat fikiran sekarang which is antara hati dan akal.

Hati dan akal.
Mana satu yg selalu atau yang kuat mempengaruhi kita kan.

Kalau nak kata hati, hati tu mcm gerak hati, perasaan, instinct. Kalau baik daging yg satu itu maka baiklah dia kan. So penting jaga hati ni. Sebab banyak perkara yang mempengaruhi kehidupan kita sehari hari ni ada kat situ.

Ok, akal pulak mcm mana?
Akal ni kalau nak ikut tmpat kita berfikir. Baik buruk sesuatu perkara. Kann.
Between hati dan akal ni.
Mereka mempengaruhi satu sama lain.
Mcm aku sndiri lah kan. Kata hati lain tapi bila dinilai balik dengan akal samada perkara itu membawa kebaikan atau keburukan ia memberikan satu penilaian pulak samada nak dengar atau nak ikut ke x kata hati tu.
Pehhh. Kompleks betul.

Allah kurniakan akal yang sihat pun dah cukup bersyukur dah sebenarnya. Boleh fikir benda baik atau buruk. Dengan hati yang Allah kurniakan dengan Iman. Itu pun dengan adanya didikan.

Rapat dan akrabnya akal dan hati ni kan.

Tapi ada org pernah cakap kat saya hati lebih dekat dengan kita. Jadi dengarlah kata hati tetapi dengan pertimbangan yang sewajarnya sambil memohon petunjuk Allah. Kan Dia memgang hati-hati kita dan Maha Mengetahui apa yang ada dalam hati kita. Buruk atau baik.

Semoga Allah sentiasa memgang hati-hati kita dan semoga kita juga sentiasa berdoa dan memohon supaya Allah jaga jugak hati-hati orang yang kita sayang. Ecehhh, cliche betul ayat.

Till then. Oh ya! Selamat bercuti sekolah. I keje mcm biasa. Babai. 😉

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Campak campak

If you cant hold
Let go..

Terima kasih sebab pernah singgah di hati
Terima kasih sebab campak aku ketepi
Kau buat aku sedar betapa gagahnya aku untuk kembali berdiri
Mengutip sisa sisa hati sebelum digilis kembali

Aku kutip kembali segalanya
Walau sukar aku gagahkan jua
Aku jahit kembali
Jahit cantik cantik supaya ia tetap bertahan sementara masih ada nyawa diberi Ilahi

Semua ini betul betul mengajar aku
Betapa banyaknya rahmat Allah yang masih aku boleh syukuri dan nikmati
Buat aku banyak muhasabah diri sendiri

Aku tersenyum sendiri bila ingat kembali
Mudahnya manusia main campak campak ketepi kann
Tapi takpe.

Kau buat aku semakin gagah dari sebelum ini.
😉

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Bulan Sebelas

Assalamualaikum
Ehem. Hari ni dating mood nak menulis.
Nak bercerita pasal rasa syukur.

Manusia seringkali lupa untuk bersyukur dengan nikmat yang Allah bagi kan.
Termasuklah diriku yang hina ini.

Sedangkan rasa syukur itulah kunci utama kebahagiaan diri kita.
Tatkala dugaan datang melanda, gundah gulana. Rasa syukurlah yg patut di didik dalam diri untuk memujuk hati.

Bersyukurlah dengan udara yang masih dikurniakan kepada kita. Bersyukurlah dengan penglihatan yg baik. Bersyukurlah masih mempunyai kerja untuk mencari rezeki. Bersyukurlah dikurniakan boss yg baik hati. Bersyukurlah dengan masa yg Allah beri untuk diluangkan bersama keluarga kita.
Sedang masih ramai lagi orang lain yg tidak mempunyai apa yg kita ada.

Nikmat Allah yg mana lagi yg kita nak dustakan.
Sekecil kecil nikmat yang Allah bagi, bila ditarik balik besar kesannya terhadap kita walaupun hanya tersepak batu. Mungkin menyebabkan langkah kita sudah tidak sempurna.
Kann.

Maka bersyukurlah atas sekecil kecil nikmat yg Allah berikan kepada kita.

Post ini sebagai muhasabah kepada diri saya sendiri juga. Sebab saya pun selalu lupa.
Kena selalu didik diri sendiri kann.


Jomm. InshaAllah.   

Friday, September 29, 2017

Sept 17

I dont feel right
The environment dont feel right
The breeze dont feel right
The smell is not right
The situation is not at the right time
Everything is stumbled up along the way
Everything seems to be not right

Why is everything so heavy

Oh Allah. Help me and guide me.


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

August 8th

Your thought is your power.
Whatever thoughts that you have in your mind will reflects you.

Thus, the first thing for us to take care of is our thoughts.

Think positive.
Think about a good thought.
Always.

Have a good perception toward others.

May all the good things come along our way. Aamiinn.


Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Take Charge

Its July


In life there are things which you can control and things you cant control.

Things you can control:
1. Your reactions
2. Where you work
3. Where you live
4. Your friends

Things you cant control:
1. Other people


So, appreciate yourself readers.
Love yourself.
Dont hesitate to reward yourself.

Take charge of yourself  ;)

Friday, May 26, 2017

Boy

When i was young ive always wanted to be a boy.
I thought being a boy can make things easier.
I though if i were a boy people around me would loved me more, care about me more and they will always being nice to a boy.
I thought if i were a boy my parents would appreciate me more. If i did a mistake they would have tolerate it more.
I thought if i were a boy my aunties and grandmother will like me more me and buy me presents on my birthday.
My thoughts keep on going like that.
I thought if i were a boy, i can be vulnerable. I can do whatever i wanted to do without getting scold by anyone.

That was what i thought when i was young.

Now that i was grateful being a girl,women when i realize that woman is the most amazing creature that Allah has created.

I was more grateful being woman especially when i found you.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Pagi ni

Kurangnya rasa bersyukur adalah faktor utama kita sentiasa merungut dengan kehidupan kita.
Tapi percayalah, setiap laluan hidup manusia ada halangan masing-masing.
Bagi yg sentiasa rasa tidak puas hati dengan apa yg berlaku di sekeliling. Muhasabah diri adalah cara yg terbaik. Sebesar besar dugaan yang kita hadapi, ada lagi orang yang hadapi dugaan yg lebih besar dari kita.
Allah takkan bebankan kita melebihi kemampuan diri kita sendiri.
Bertenanglah dan bersyukurlah dengan kehidupan yang sedia ada.
Pujuk hati dan jiwa dengan zikir dan istighfar supaya hati tenang.

Tiada kehidupan yang tidak mempunyai dugaan. Sebab Allah jadikan manusia ni makhluk yg takkan pernah puas dengan apa yg dia ada. Itulah dugaan yg Allah berikan. Nak tgk sejauh mana kita bersyukur dengan apa yg Dia dah bagi dkt kita.

Entry ni lebih kepada untuk diri aku sendiri.hekhek.
Pujuk diri dengan menulis. Boleh x.
Muhasabah. Sabar.
Muhasabah. Sabar.
Muhasabah. Sabar.

Itulah kuncinya.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

March 2017

Assalamualaikum

Dah masuk bulan March 2017 dah. Kejap btol masa berlalu.

Aku buat tajuk tu supaya aku ingat bulan ni aku dalam fasa 'dilemma' dengan kerja aku.
Keselesaan yg bos aku bagi buat aku rasa syg nk tinggal. Tapi dalam diri aku memberontak untuk mencari environment yg lebih baik.

Aduhh!! Aku pasti semua org akan melalui fasa-fasa genting begini.
Everyone has their own struggle.

Benda paling susah nak buat adalah nak didik diri sendiri tu.
Didik supaya lebih rasa syukur.
Didik supaya sedar kita ni cuma hamba yg hina. Bukan sesape pn kat dunia ni.
Didik utk sentiasa bersangka baik dgn org sekeliling dan of course paling penting bersangkabaik dengan Allah. Kan.

Kita xleh putus harapan dengan Allah. Tu je,

Macam xcaye taun lepas which is 2016 ada satu je entry kt blog aku ni. kah.

okbai. Salam.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

2017

Hyeee!!!! Happy New Year everyone!!! ;)