It doesnt matter anymore

I thought it would be painful, letting you go.

I thought I would suffer, that my heart would be anguished with the loss of you. Or worse, maybe it would stop beating altogether.

Maybe without you, I would simply cease to exist.

I thought I would become adrift, for you had been the anchor I had formed my identity upon, the compass I had relied on for my direction. I thought without you I would become lost, disoriented.

I had expected to taste salty tears as they fell upon lips that once spoke so fondly of you; that my head would lay on my pillow damp with tears for as many nights as the moon continued to kiss the stars.

But one day, I just knew.

I hadn’t expected such a feeling of relief as I cut the ropes that once shackled me to you. One instant of tremendous clarity. One instant, where I finally knew.

I no longer needed you.

I no longer needed your opinion of me, your affirmation, your approval.

I no longer needed your judgments, your criticisms, your condemnations.

I no longer needed your expectations I could never meet; your hoops too high to jump through, your goal posts that shifted with every changing breeze.

I no longer needed your blame, your excuses, your justifications.

I no longer needed your pseudo love, fraught with conditions and attached with strings.

I thought I needed you. I didn’t.

I thought it would be hard to let you go. It wasn’t.

I thought I would miss you. I don’t.

For in one instant my heart was awakened to the truth of who I am.

I am more than the lies you made believe about myself. I am more than the look of failure in your eyes when I fell short of your demands. I am more than how worthless you made me feel. I am more than the ways you tried to break me.

I am a warrior, sculpted by the hands of creation, fashioned into being by the very hands that created the oceans and the stars and the mountains and air.

I am strong, I am brave, I am wise. I am gentle of spirit with the heart of a lioness.

I am creative, passionate, sensitive, and kind. I am of open heart and open mind. I am powerful, generous, thoughtful, daring, empathetic, raw, complex, courageous, understanding, forgiving.

I am everything you are not.

I will no longer carry the shame you made me suffer under the weight of.

That shame belongs to you.

And I will no longer carry my hate for you.

For that will only ever bind me to your darkness and give you permission to destroy my light. It will allow you to stay within me, to destroy my peace, to blacken my heart with the malice that lives within you.

It will tie me to your soul-destroying bitterness, your ugliness.

It will anchor me once more to you, who tried to drown me.

Instead, I will choose to go into the world and love more fiercely, show more compassion, be more generous, offer more kindness.

I will choose to forgive. For me, not for you.

I will choose to sow what I wish to see reaped for my children’s future.

I will choose to dis-empower hate.

I will choose freedom.

I will choose love.

I will stand firm upon the unshakeable truth of who I am.

And I will soar to heights you will only ever dream of.

For I have let you go.

No longer am I held down by all I allowed you to be in my life.

I no longer need you.

I am free.


Written by Kathy Parker
( with permission)

2018

Bismillah.

Its 2018. Another year to begin with. Phewww!!!

Happy New Year!!  

Sebelum jejak tahun baru. Macam macam fikir pasal new year resolution kan.

Now is the second week already. Ok. Boleh lempang diri sendiri.

Satu pun xbuat lagi. Berangan lebih.

Heyyy!! But it is still not too late kan.

Yang penting kita nakkan kehidupan yang lebih baik berbanding sebelum ni. Doa banyak banyak k.

Keep on being strong! Chin Up!! 

Haaa!!! Nampak tak betapa kena bagi semangat kat diri sendiri.

Certain things masih menganggu fikiran aku. 

Duk datang jugak menerawang. Masuk dalam hati fikiran jiwa. Kadang kadang rasa macam useless nya diri ni kalah dengan permainan jiwa perasaan dan nafsu. Tapi itulah, fitrah sebagai seorang manusia. Tak boleh nak lari. Boleh tepis sikit sikit,slow slow tapi masih jugak datang.

Aku mohon sgt Allah kuatkan aku untuk aku terus istiqamah untuk jadi lebih baik. Muslimah yang lebih baik. Dan aku mmg nak jadi lebih baik. Yelah, hidup kita ni tak lama kan. Belum tentu jodoh kita dengan manusia ke dengan maut dulu.

So this new year aku start dengan buying few books tulisan Prof Hamka. Quite interesting. Melihat dunia from a different point of view. And I also bought a book by Leang Leav, Sea of Strangers. Best! You guys should buy.

Tahun ni, aku harap Allah murahkan rezeki aku dan permudahkan perjalanan hidup aku. Semoga hati aku lebih lapang dan tenang dalam menghadapi hari hari yang semakin tua ni.

Kita tak boleh putus asa dengan rahmat Allah. Ingat tu!

Till then. Assalamualaikum.